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Shane's A Supper Star
It must have been some night when party animals Kate Moss, Pete Doherty and Shane MacGowan got together. The lovers were invited to Shane's new flat in Highgate, north London, for a meal. It’s hard to believe food was top of the agenda. Maybe I'm wrong, but heavy boozer Shane doesn't strike me as the obvious host. I just can't see him laying the table and whipping a casserole out of the oven. And Pete, who is battling crack cocaine and heroin addiction, can't have much of an appetite while Kate must watch her diet to maintain her trim supermodel frame. A source told me "Kate has been a close friend of Shane s for years. Since she started dating Pete all three have been hanging out a lot. Kate invited Shane to her birthday party earlier this year so he wanted to return the favour with a dinner party at his new place." Perhaps Shane's ex Victoria Clarke, who was also there, did the catering. Yesterday Shane and Kate flew to Dublin to join Pete and his band for a weekend of gigs
(Irish Sun, 15.5.2005)
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M: They are talking about Shane’s new flat in Highgate... Maybe it's same old Boogaloo? They removed a wall or two by accident... and found out it looked like a posh flat.
Z: Yep. And he invited Kate Moss to dazzle her with his new "mansion".
M: And asked Joey to have a night out somewhere.. like children ask their parents to fuck off for a while when inviting friends.
Z: Did Shane demolish the walls of Joey’s lodging too? Destroyed his only safe recluse? His tiny kingdom?
M: Accidentally! That may excuse him... Pillow fighting, you know.
Z: Pillows full of lead?
M: Ok, maybe it was not pillow fighting, maybe somebody turned the volume too high.
Z: And the walls collapsed? Or Shane rushed in with a hammer?
M: He knocked from his room to make a hint it must be reduced a bit
Z: Yeah, just a timid knock - but he forgot he was holding a meat mallet in his hand. (He was playing a cook a while before.) And the walls in Boogaloo are fragile because they are nervous from the presence of all the big stars of showbiz.
M: So that wall destroying was not an accident? He had a plan?
Z: No, not a plan. He used the mallet to tenderize meat and crush vegetables. He poured water on the mess. Added a bit of ice. And sugar. He started the fire (dangerous thing to let Shane play with matches, but somehow he managed the difficult operation). Put the pot with his creation onto the cooker and, proud of himself, settled himself in front of TV. No soulful beauties with soulful breasts in the programme, so he fell asleep. When he woke up, the room was filled with terrible, unbearable burnt smell. And as if it wasn’t enough, somebody was playing techno version of FToNY in the neigbouring room. His nerves jangling and the mallet still in his hand, he knocked on the wall timidly. And bang, here we are.
M: For whom did he cook? I thought they decided to invite Kate after discovering what a posh flat they had (if Joey agreed to fuck off for a while with his instruments and magazines).
Z: Shane wanted to surprise Vicky with the dinner (to lure the "measure of his dreams" back). After he accidentally created the magnificent posh flat, he decided not to keep the marvelous achievement for himself and invited Kate. (Secretly hoping that his flat might even make it to „Architectural Wonders“ magazine.)
M: He cooked meat?! For Vicky?
Z: He didn’t know it was meat!! He found it in Joey’s fridge and it looked like some exotic vegetable. He thought it was beetroot!
M: Is Joey into cooking too?
Z: No, he needs the fridge to store beer in. And to hide diamonds in ice cubes. How the meat appeared there is a mystery.
M: Wasn’t it a stolen pet dog?
Z: He put him into the fridge out of big love, to hibernate the sweet creature and prolong its life? Tender-hearted Joey...
M: Nah, he steals pet terriers of celebreties who peep into Boogaloo for a drink and talk. And yes, he kept it in the fridge. Fidge preserves beer! But appears to spoil dogs... Strange thing this life...
Z: And what does he do with the pets? Sells them to groupies as a rare trophy? To the highest bid?
M: Nah, he was going to give it back, for reward... Actually it was the first and last trophy. It was that hairless creature. Shane sometimes keeps Joey on starvation ration... So Joey has to solve his financial problems on his own, demonstrating real miracles and imagination.
Z: Shane lets his lifelong friend starve? Why? Does he care about his sexy figure so much?
M: He just forgets to supply him, accidentally, no malicious intent for sure, but that's no help for Joey, he wants to eat sometimes anyway, he wants to drink, he wants to go out and take out babes too...
Z: And the poor chap is forbidden to go out? Shane locks him in his flat? Joey has to send an empty basket down from his window and wait for Shane’s mercy?
M: He can move freely in the whole world (when Shane doesn't need him around) but for moving (eating, drinking, smoking, having fun) one needs money, right? They all have bad memories so Joey doesn't mind, and if he has an opportunity, he gets his salary and compensation and things... no animosity. But sometimes he is in urgent need and Shane is inaccesible... then a dog could be helpful.
(Plus he is gathering a brilliant collection of porn magazines with a far-sighted intention of selling it via auction in thirty years or so.) So he was going to give the dog back for a reward. Good reward, reasonable. He thought it could be a good business and what is more, he didn't had to leave his warm place at Boogaloo, no street strolling, no bad ecounters... actually no risk.
Z: And the damned fridge spoiled all the fun. Bloody thing... Did he try to put the next one into the oven? As they seem to need warmth...
M: Nah, he is not aware of cruel fate of the previous dog. He has not peeped into the fridge since last weekend.
Z: And now, alas, he won’t peep into it any more. It ended up below the ruins of the wall and later was used as a fancy flower-pot by Vicky. Huge flower-pot, you know, for growing palm trees.
M: And where will Joey be dwelling now?
Z: Poor beggar. Wandering the streets, busking. Or hoping for the mercy of Shane, for being granted one quiet corner in his new posh dwelling... or perhaps he could inhabit one of the wardrobes? If he promises to treat the clothing kindly...
M: To dwell among Shane’s clothes? Have mercy!!!!
Z: Vicky’s clothing then?
M: That's better if it doesn’t turn him into a fetishist...
Z: What troubles my heart more is what happened to Joey’s precious comp.
M: It was buried under the wall.
Z: No!!! Such a sad fate, you cannot mean that!! Joey will dig it out, pat it, stroke it, give it the kiss of life...
M: Ok, maybe his kiss will rescue it.
Z: Kiss and scratching the mouse under its chin...
M: If Shane does not discover it first!
Z: Would he try to eat the hard-drive, considering it another bloody American record?
M: Who knows what can step into brains of real genius...
Z: And what about Joey’s treasures? Porn magazines? Black Tokyo Olympics outfit? (Which he still uses to lure babes - checked shirts are good for charming MadDog only). Not in the wardrobe, I am afraid.
M: His precious collection he keeps under parquet. And why do you think there is no place for cupla T-shirts in the wardrobe?
Z: Not in Vicky’s! She doesn’t want to reach into her wardrobe in the morning and pull out an old smelly shirt instead of the cool green dress which flatter her shiny eyes so much.
M: Why smelly? If it smells, then with French perfumes!
Z: After the long day is over, Joey uses his shirt as a cloth - to wipe up spilled milk, ash, mud from shoes... He knows he must keep the posh place clean not to be thrown onto the street.
M: He takes it out of the door and wipes shoes before entering?! And the next day he has to put it on again?
Z: Yes, he has to. Vicky starts to scream like a banshee when he tries to smuggle it into the washing machine among her things, and he doesn’t know how to wash it by hands.
M: What about that secret laundry for celebrities?
Z: He forgot how to get there. He sometimes wanders the streets at night and tries to find the laundry, but no luck so far.
M: Awful. Nah, I can't believe it... Thats' why they don't let him to make it on stage anymore..
Z: But why don’t they let him show his naked muscled torso? Shane is jealous?
M: Surely he is! He realises he is not a babe magnet. And he doesn't want to lose his frontman position. And once he saw Joey with dumb bells...
Z: Does he lock Joey in the dressing room? Or how does he keep him from sneaking onstage?
M: He hides his whistle... Or hurts him right before the gig so Joey takes offence and locks himself in the dressing room on his own will.
Z: Hurts him? Borrows the mic cable and strangles him a bit? Or treads onto his tender feet?
M: Nah, maybe just verbally, but words hurt deeper than knife sometimes. Or Shane provokes booing that booing hurts Joey and he sulks in the dressing room.
Z: Hm, hm, dark aspects of a lifelong friendship... No revenge from Joey? Doesn’t he create a Shane voodoo doll and pour clear water down its throat?
M: To do this to his best friend? No, never, no evil bones in him, you know. Some mischevious bent – maybe. He dilutes his coke...
photo © unknown
